his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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