Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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