one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
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