My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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