matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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