I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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