Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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