i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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