I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
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after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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