Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
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So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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