Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
not ubering you a puppy
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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