She is in my trunk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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