my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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