Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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