apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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