Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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