Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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