i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
as a side note pls kill me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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