Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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