i wish my penis had a tongue
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize