Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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