you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
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I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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