He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
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Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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