Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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