Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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