the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
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You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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