dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
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Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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