Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
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Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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