If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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