i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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