That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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