I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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