hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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