I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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