you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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