when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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