I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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