Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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