I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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