I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize