I cannot find my penis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
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i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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