Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize