my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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