The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize