bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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