I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
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I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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