Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
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My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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