And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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