I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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