I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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